Your Bipolar Disorder Does Not Define You
Understanding and accepting that you’re not defined by your diagnosis is key to staying strong while living with bipolar.
Picture a road that easily divides into two parallel lines. One line represents the real me and the second line represents bipolar disorder. When I’m well, the lines move forward with ease and I simply get on with my life. When I’m ill, the bipolar line turns into a corkscrew that squiggles its way forward and backward — often on a whim, with no direction and little regard for the other line that’s yelling at it to behave.
This bipolar line can manically jump miles into the future as the real me line tries to keep up. Or sometimes it stops completely while the line that represents the real me tries desperately to move forward through the mud. If I had an EKG-style reading of these lines over the past 30 years, I don’t think a machine could even catch all of the movements of my bipolar disorder.
Picture a road that easily divides into two parallel lines. One line represents the real me and the second line represents bipolar disorder. When I’m well, the lines move forward with ease and I simply get on with my life. When I’m ill, the bipolar line turns into a corkscrew that squiggles its way forward and backward — often on a whim, with no direction and little regard for the other line that’s yelling at it to behave.
This bipolar line can manically jump miles into the future as the real me line tries to keep up. Or sometimes it stops completely while the line that represents the real me tries desperately to move forward through the mud. If I had an EKG-style reading of these lines over the past 30 years, I don’t think a machine could even catch all of the movements of my bipolar disorder.
Charting My Moods
I’ve charted my moods since my official diagnosis of rapid-cycling bipolar 2 in 1995. Over the past 30 years, I’ve had more than 20,000 mood swings. My goal for the past 30 years has been keeping the lines parallel. Picturing the illness this way helps me remember that I, Julie A. Fast, am a stable, straight line and I know who I am and what I want from life. When I get sick, it’s about the bipolar disorder and has nothing to do with who I am as a person.
I’ve charted my moods since my official diagnosis of rapid-cycling bipolar 2 in 1995. Over the past 30 years, I’ve had more than 20,000 mood swings. My goal for the past 30 years has been keeping the lines parallel. Picturing the illness this way helps me remember that I, Julie A. Fast, am a stable, straight line and I know who I am and what I want from life. When I get sick, it’s about the bipolar disorder and has nothing to do with who I am as a person.
Separating My Bipolar Symptoms From My Real Self
I learned to successfully manage bipolar disorder the day I learned to separate the symptoms from my real self. The day I heard the words, “You have bipolar disorder” was actually one of the greatest days of my life. It started the journey of finding the straight line of my real self. The past 30 years have been so much better because of my diagnosis. I wouldn’t know who I am as well as I do if I hadn’t spent those years determining what it means to have a mental illness. I can look back and see as many successes as failures. My past before my diagnosis was filled with behavior I simply couldn’t explain.
It would be easy to highlight everything I haven’t accomplished because of this illness. Instead, I’ve taught myself to look at my past with a positive lens. The pain of what I can’t do and all of the money I have lost due to my limited work ability is still there, but at least I know it’s nothing to do with the real Julie. This makes it easier to focus on what I have accomplished — despite bipolar disorder.
I learned to successfully manage bipolar disorder the day I learned to separate the symptoms from my real self. The day I heard the words, “You have bipolar disorder” was actually one of the greatest days of my life. It started the journey of finding the straight line of my real self. The past 30 years have been so much better because of my diagnosis. I wouldn’t know who I am as well as I do if I hadn’t spent those years determining what it means to have a mental illness. I can look back and see as many successes as failures. My past before my diagnosis was filled with behavior I simply couldn’t explain.
It would be easy to highlight everything I haven’t accomplished because of this illness. Instead, I’ve taught myself to look at my past with a positive lens. The pain of what I can’t do and all of the money I have lost due to my limited work ability is still there, but at least I know it’s nothing to do with the real Julie. This makes it easier to focus on what I have accomplished — despite bipolar disorder.
Planning for My Future With Bipolar Disorder
It’s the same with how I see and prepare for the future. I have a plan for the next 30 years. I’ve already gone through menopause (it was no problem!) and I have plans to travel and work in Europe. My future naturally includes learning how to manage this illness as an older person. I’ve had it since age 17, and I have to deal with the reality that it isn’t going away.
I remember my first column for bpHope (Summer 2005), and I so appreciate all of the patience and faith the editors have had in me despite my sometimes erratic ability to work. Before bpHope, I’d never held a job for more than two years — and now I’ve supported myself as a writer and speaker for two decades. Finding work that supports bipolar disorder management is possible, but regrets about what my life could be like if I were not so sick will always be there. I feel it, but I don’t dwell on it.
It’s the same with how I see and prepare for the future. I have a plan for the next 30 years. I’ve already gone through menopause (it was no problem!) and I have plans to travel and work in Europe. My future naturally includes learning how to manage this illness as an older person. I’ve had it since age 17, and I have to deal with the reality that it isn’t going away.
I remember my first column for bpHope (Summer 2005), and I so appreciate all of the patience and faith the editors have had in me despite my sometimes erratic ability to work. Before bpHope, I’d never held a job for more than two years — and now I’ve supported myself as a writer and speaker for two decades. Finding work that supports bipolar disorder management is possible, but regrets about what my life could be like if I were not so sick will always be there. I feel it, but I don’t dwell on it.
Maintaining a Symptom Management Plan
Many people have helped me along the way, and more than a few have picked me up off the floor during a suicidal depression or told me to calm down when I was practically dancing on the tables. I’ll always need a daily management plan or I’ll lose who I am.
I can close my eyes and picture a road with the two lines moving forward well into the future. I know that the bipolar line may snake off to side streets I don’t want to visit, but the real me will keep marching forward no matter what.
Many people have helped me along the way, and more than a few have picked me up off the floor during a suicidal depression or told me to calm down when I was practically dancing on the tables. I’ll always need a daily management plan or I’ll lose who I am.
I can close my eyes and picture a road with the two lines moving forward well into the future. I know that the bipolar line may snake off to side streets I don’t want to visit, but the real me will keep marching forward no matter what.
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